Death x6

       So my family has been to hell and back this year. Since November we have lost 6 people. The sixth person being my maternal Grandmother. Now her death wasn't a complete surprise as most of the others had been. She had been slowly dieing since the day my Grandfather, her partner of 50+ years passed away. Toward the end we all knew she was suffering so she is better off and again with the love of her life. My concern is with my Mom, my Aunt Sandy and my Cousin Brenda. My Mom hasn't gotten over the loss of her father completely yet and then the murder of my cousin happened and then all the other losses were people close to her and now her mom. So you can see why I worry about her. I worry about my Aunt Sandy because for 11 years she has been the one who has taken care of my Grandmother 24/7. Now she is gone and I know my Aunt feels that loss more than anyone. I worry about my cousin because out of all the grand kids she was the closest to her and helped take care of her when ever she could.
     For me I have regrets, I don't regret that I didn't see her very often, she didn't even know who I was the last few times I saw her. Actually I guess its not really a regret so much as a sadness, a wish if you may. A wish that we could have had a better relationship. You see I have always been the black sheep in my Mom's family. One Aunt told me a I worshipped Satan because I was burning one of those candles you get that have little trinkets inside. Keep in mind I was in Junior high when this happened. My Grandmother was one of those people who said things with out thinking how they may hurt your feelings and let me tell you I was her target a LOT. My family can try and say its because I don't participate with the family but that only happened AFTER I got sick of the crap they dish out and put up with from each other that I cut myself off from them. It is kind of funny, I graduated college with a 4.0, I am on the "right" side of the law, have a good job. Have a great boyfriend, no kids and yet I am the one that is looked down on. Maybe it is because I don't put up with crap and have my own thoughts and feelings and wont let someone dictate my life and or beliefs to me. I do wish that I could have had one of those relationships that I hear people talk about all the time about how close they are to their Grandparents. Unfortunately I cant really say that about any of my grandparents. The one I was closest to was my Dad's Mom, but unfortunately she lived in Minnesota and so I didn't get to see her very often and she passed away from Cancer when I was in the 5th grade. My Dad's Dad passed away before my parents were married so I never met him. My Mom's Dad was a cool Grandpa but I wasn't as close to him as my sister was. I kind of feel cheated when it came to the Grandparent dept. Oh well what can you do now you cant turn back the hands of time. I can wish all I want but it wont change things. I do know that for me I am still having the hardest time dealing with the loss of my cousin. His absence for me was especially felt when we were all there with my Grandmother. I kept waiting for him to come walking through the door.
FUCK I hope my blog gets happier after this. To all the black sheep out there....Carpe Diem. Don't take any ones crap and keep being YOU!!! The only person who has to truly love you....is YOU! Fuck the rest!

To Breed or Not to Breed

     So.....most people know from a young age if they want to have kids or not. I have always been one of those people that have never had that urge to have a kid. I figured when I met the right guy I would know or not. Well it took me quite awhile to find the "right" guy. Prior to him I had found Mr. Rude, Mr.Crude, Mr. Cheap and Mr.Cheater but took me a bit to find Mr.Right. So when most women find Mr. Right in their 20s they have time to make the decision about kids if they are undecided. At 28 I asked my Dr. that if I hit 30 and was still single and wanted kids (I figured by 30 I would know) if she knew of Doctors who would do artificial insemination. She gave me the name of a Doctor and talked to me about it. A few years later I hit 30 and was single and enjoying life and had NO feelings of wanting a kid. I hit a few more birthdays after that and still no urge to have a kid and in all honesty the thought of a living thing inside of me freaks me out, that is a parasite people. I know I know all the women out there are saying its such a beautiful thing....yada yada yada. That is how YOU feel and the icky wanna vomit at the thought of it is how I feel. So now I am 36 in a great relationship and now I am doing the uh do I want to have kids because my biological clock isn't ticking its basically tapping me and saying, "Hey dumb ass if you want a kid its now or never."  The fact is there is a chance I cant have kids, long story lots of issues blah blah blah, but now that I have this fantastic man in my life and his 4 year old daughter do I really want one? I mean there is this BIG part of me that is like NO WAY IN HELL. I value my sleep, I can be very selfish and like to be able to spend money on ME, but every time I look into his little girls eyes I catch myself wondering if we had a kid what he/she would look like. Would they get his dark eyes or my green? Would they get the awesome skin color his little girl has? Would  they have dark brown hair like her or lighter hair like I did when I was younger? Would we have a boy or a girl? Am I just curious or am I really wanting to have a child with him? Will I regret it if we don't? What if I wait to long to make the decision and my body says to bad so sad, you wasted your baby making years.
      How do you ever make this decision when you have never had that, " I want to be a Mom" feeling? There are times I think we could handle it and then there are more times that I think the stress would kill me. Every time we have to go to a kids party, especially when held at a pizza place and all these kids are screaming and running around on their sugar crack highs..that I can feel my ovaries go into hiding, my uterus puts out the closed for business sign and I wrap my self so tightly in a blanket and wear 4 layers of close to bed that night that even if he wasn't still trying to recover from the nightmare of a child's party he wouldn't get any access. LOL Aren't I suppose to love the kids running around? My niece and his daughter get together and I swear science should do research on the unbelievable decibel that only little girls can hit with there screeching and laughing. It an unbelievable sound that most people enjoy...I want to put in a pair of ear plugs.
     I guess I am just worried that I am going to look back some day and wish I had done things differently in the kid department. How do you ever know?????????????????

To Bubba with Love.

Where to start? November 19th 2010 my cousin was murdered while driving his cab. His life cut short by a crack whore who did not even rob him. We may never know why she did it and I don't know if I would like her answer anyway. What I do know is that I never want to hear that heart wrenching sob/scream come from my Mom again when she received the news. Brian who somewhere along the way picked up the nickname Bubba was like a son to my Mom. He and I were only a year apart, of my cousins he and I were probably the closest. He lived with us for awhile and we fought for dominance with him being the youngest in his family and me being the oldest and suddenly he thinks he is my big brother. Well he was....he was the closest I will ever come to having a brother. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to see her, his murderer punished to the full extent. I don't think anyone can truly understand how deep the loss of a loved one by the hands of another can truly be felt until you actually feel it. I would not wish that on anyone. I work in Law Enforcement and I see the worst of the worst and read the reports and you feel so bad for the families but until you become one of those families you cant truly understand how much it truly hurts. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am not much of a crier. I cry when a loved one passes, I cry when an animal dies, I cry at my favorite movie and I cried the first time my heart was broken, but I was wracked with sobs that I couldn't stop when I walked into that church and saw that small urn that was once my 6'4 cousin. The sobs hit again the moment I saw the huge line of cabs that drove to the church to honor my cousin, again when they showed pictures of him growing up and the five oldest cousins together. Then my sobs turned to anger.
    I was going to apologize to anyone in the family who might read this but NO I will not apologize for my feelings and my beliefs. If you do not like what I am about to say then that's YOUR issue. My sobs turned to anger when his Mother stood up there and tried to play the part of the grieving mother. She was never there for him or his sisters, her world revolves around who she can get money from. Yes I am sure there was some genuine hurt at the loss but every time you turn around she is STILL trying to get money from people because of her son. She is a gold digging whore who stood up there and lied to everyone. There was anger for the unkind, heartless, and inappropriate words spoken by someone else. Who cares if you think he is in hell because he didn't do what YOU think was necessary. It was NOT the place or the time. You believe what you want but don't tell US what to believe.
   Through all the tears and the anger the one person who would have understood where I am coming from, who held me when our Grandfather passed away even when I didn't want to be held, the one besides my sister who always had my back is the one who I couldn't protect, whose back I wasn't able to have. The one my heart breaks for. I love you Bubba and I miss you every day. Your sisters miss you every second of every minute of every day. You will NEVER be forgotten.