Death x6

       So my family has been to hell and back this year. Since November we have lost 6 people. The sixth person being my maternal Grandmother. Now her death wasn't a complete surprise as most of the others had been. She had been slowly dieing since the day my Grandfather, her partner of 50+ years passed away. Toward the end we all knew she was suffering so she is better off and again with the love of her life. My concern is with my Mom, my Aunt Sandy and my Cousin Brenda. My Mom hasn't gotten over the loss of her father completely yet and then the murder of my cousin happened and then all the other losses were people close to her and now her mom. So you can see why I worry about her. I worry about my Aunt Sandy because for 11 years she has been the one who has taken care of my Grandmother 24/7. Now she is gone and I know my Aunt feels that loss more than anyone. I worry about my cousin because out of all the grand kids she was the closest to her and helped take care of her when ever she could.
     For me I have regrets, I don't regret that I didn't see her very often, she didn't even know who I was the last few times I saw her. Actually I guess its not really a regret so much as a sadness, a wish if you may. A wish that we could have had a better relationship. You see I have always been the black sheep in my Mom's family. One Aunt told me a I worshipped Satan because I was burning one of those candles you get that have little trinkets inside. Keep in mind I was in Junior high when this happened. My Grandmother was one of those people who said things with out thinking how they may hurt your feelings and let me tell you I was her target a LOT. My family can try and say its because I don't participate with the family but that only happened AFTER I got sick of the crap they dish out and put up with from each other that I cut myself off from them. It is kind of funny, I graduated college with a 4.0, I am on the "right" side of the law, have a good job. Have a great boyfriend, no kids and yet I am the one that is looked down on. Maybe it is because I don't put up with crap and have my own thoughts and feelings and wont let someone dictate my life and or beliefs to me. I do wish that I could have had one of those relationships that I hear people talk about all the time about how close they are to their Grandparents. Unfortunately I cant really say that about any of my grandparents. The one I was closest to was my Dad's Mom, but unfortunately she lived in Minnesota and so I didn't get to see her very often and she passed away from Cancer when I was in the 5th grade. My Dad's Dad passed away before my parents were married so I never met him. My Mom's Dad was a cool Grandpa but I wasn't as close to him as my sister was. I kind of feel cheated when it came to the Grandparent dept. Oh well what can you do now you cant turn back the hands of time. I can wish all I want but it wont change things. I do know that for me I am still having the hardest time dealing with the loss of my cousin. His absence for me was especially felt when we were all there with my Grandmother. I kept waiting for him to come walking through the door.
FUCK I hope my blog gets happier after this. To all the black sheep out there....Carpe Diem. Don't take any ones crap and keep being YOU!!! The only person who has to truly love you....is YOU! Fuck the rest!