So.....most people know from a young age if they want to have kids or not. I have always been one of those people that have never had that urge to have a kid. I figured when I met the right guy I would know or not. Well it took me quite awhile to find the "right" guy. Prior to him I had found Mr. Rude, Mr.Crude, Mr. Cheap and Mr.Cheater but took me a bit to find Mr.Right. So when most women find Mr. Right in their 20s they have time to make the decision about kids if they are undecided. At 28 I asked my Dr. that if I hit 30 and was still single and wanted kids (I figured by 30 I would know) if she knew of Doctors who would do artificial insemination. She gave me the name of a Doctor and talked to me about it. A few years later I hit 30 and was single and enjoying life and had NO feelings of wanting a kid. I hit a few more birthdays after that and still no urge to have a kid and in all honesty the thought of a living thing inside of me freaks me out, that is a parasite people. I know I know all the women out there are saying its such a beautiful thing....yada yada yada. That is how YOU feel and the icky wanna vomit at the thought of it is how I feel. So now I am 36 in a great relationship and now I am doing the uh do I want to have kids because my biological clock isn't ticking its basically tapping me and saying, "Hey dumb ass if you want a kid its now or never." The fact is there is a chance I cant have kids, long story lots of issues blah blah blah, but now that I have this fantastic man in my life and his 4 year old daughter do I really want one? I mean there is this BIG part of me that is like NO WAY IN HELL. I value my sleep, I can be very selfish and like to be able to spend money on ME, but every time I look into his little girls eyes I catch myself wondering if we had a kid what he/she would look like. Would they get his dark eyes or my green? Would they get the awesome skin color his little girl has? Would they have dark brown hair like her or lighter hair like I did when I was younger? Would we have a boy or a girl? Am I just curious or am I really wanting to have a child with him? Will I regret it if we don't? What if I wait to long to make the decision and my body says to bad so sad, you wasted your baby making years.
How do you ever make this decision when you have never had that, " I want to be a Mom" feeling? There are times I think we could handle it and then there are more times that I think the stress would kill me. Every time we have to go to a kids party, especially when held at a pizza place and all these kids are screaming and running around on their sugar crack highs..that I can feel my ovaries go into hiding, my uterus puts out the closed for business sign and I wrap my self so tightly in a blanket and wear 4 layers of close to bed that night that even if he wasn't still trying to recover from the nightmare of a child's party he wouldn't get any access. LOL Aren't I suppose to love the kids running around? My niece and his daughter get together and I swear science should do research on the unbelievable decibel that only little girls can hit with there screeching and laughing. It an unbelievable sound that most people enjoy...I want to put in a pair of ear plugs.
I guess I am just worried that I am going to look back some day and wish I had done things differently in the kid department. How do you ever know?????????????????
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