Life can be crazy.

Sorry it has been so long since I posted a blog but as we all know life can get crazy!
  First let me fill everyone in the worthless piece of crap that murdered my cousin. She was sentenced to 22 years with NO possibility of parole. YEAH!!!!!!! I wish she would have been charged with 1st degree murder and given the death penalty but this is a better scenario then her walking away and not serving time. At least she cant hurt anyone else or leave a giant whole in anyone elses family. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
  So there has been so much going on in my life some of which I will not mention on here till later. Lets just say I have made some big life decisions. So my posts might get a bit more interesting. Guess we will have to wait and see.
  I do have a question out there for all of you. A good friend of mine posed a question the other day that made me really think. We were discussing relationships and a decision she was trying to make. She realized recently that she still loves a guy she dated awhile back and she said she knows he cares about her and that they would be wonderful together but he is currently in a relationship. This is where the decision she is trying to make comes in. She feels like she should do everything in her power to win him back/or prove to him how wonderful they would be together because she feels if she doesnt she may never have the chance to see just how good they could be together or she might miss out on her "soul mate" I felt that if he is in a relationship she should just leave it be. If they arent meant to be together they will eventually break up then she can pursue him, but she said if you really love someone arent you suppose to fight for the one you love? She then gave me the question that made me ponder. If for some reason my boyfriend had started dating someone else before we had decided we were together what would I have done knowing in my heart we belonged together. I couldnt answer her.
  What would I do? Part of me says I would fight and do everything I could to show him we belonged together but this is two years later and I know what I would have missed out on.....so two years ago would I have done the same thing or sat back and hoped for them to break up? I honestly dont know? What would YOU do? Do you love someone and know in your heart you belong together? Are you willing to pull out all the stops to try and gain their love for your own? Or are you content to sit back and watch them give their love to another? Riddle me this.

Reliving the horror.

Well almost a year later and the bitch who murdered my cousin is finally going through her trial. It started on Halloween. She still tries to act like she is innocent. My emotions are a bit all over the place. There is still the immense sadness over the loss of my cousin of which I still have a hard time with. There is the HATRED....the black,deep,unbelievable hatred I feel for this woman...wait she is no woman..she is a bitch, a worthless piece of trash that the world would be much better without. I know some of you want to know how I can feel so harsh but I live in a very reality based life, I work in Law Enforcement so while everyone else could run to work to get away from my cousins death...I was faced with it every day I walked into work. There was no escaping it for me, and because of what I do I also know the heartless bitch IF convicted will only be looking at 16 years max. I said IF because if there is one bleeding heart person on that jury who thinks for even a second she didn't shoot my cousin SIX times in the back..one hitting him above his right ear, get out of the cab, shut the door and calmly walk away then she may not see anymore time behind bars than what she has for the last year. She will have more rights and get everything she needs for free while locked away. While we all pay for health care, groceries, education she gets it all for free...all for killing a father, a brother, a nephew and a cousin. What does my cousin get for trying to provide for himself and his son????? A horrible death by the hands of a worthless piece of trash who when released will go back to her way of life and I wouldn't doubt that she will hurt someone else when she is free. Anyone who takes someones life like this doesn't deserve to ever have a life either. No I did not start feeling this way after my cousin was killed, I have ALWAYS been a firm believer that if you take someones life in cold blood then you no longer deserve to live either.
  For those wondering, I have elected not to go to the trial. Why? you ask...well I don't want to be faced with anymore reality...I don't want to be that close to the thing that took Bubba's life. I am afraid I would lose it and I cant risk my job or my freedom for that piece of trash. Plus I am still trying to get the images from last year out of my head...I don't need new ones. I hope she will see at least the max of 16 years. I miss Bubba every day he left a huge hole in the family, a hole that will never be filled. We miss you and love you Brian.

Death x6

       So my family has been to hell and back this year. Since November we have lost 6 people. The sixth person being my maternal Grandmother. Now her death wasn't a complete surprise as most of the others had been. She had been slowly dieing since the day my Grandfather, her partner of 50+ years passed away. Toward the end we all knew she was suffering so she is better off and again with the love of her life. My concern is with my Mom, my Aunt Sandy and my Cousin Brenda. My Mom hasn't gotten over the loss of her father completely yet and then the murder of my cousin happened and then all the other losses were people close to her and now her mom. So you can see why I worry about her. I worry about my Aunt Sandy because for 11 years she has been the one who has taken care of my Grandmother 24/7. Now she is gone and I know my Aunt feels that loss more than anyone. I worry about my cousin because out of all the grand kids she was the closest to her and helped take care of her when ever she could.
     For me I have regrets, I don't regret that I didn't see her very often, she didn't even know who I was the last few times I saw her. Actually I guess its not really a regret so much as a sadness, a wish if you may. A wish that we could have had a better relationship. You see I have always been the black sheep in my Mom's family. One Aunt told me a I worshipped Satan because I was burning one of those candles you get that have little trinkets inside. Keep in mind I was in Junior high when this happened. My Grandmother was one of those people who said things with out thinking how they may hurt your feelings and let me tell you I was her target a LOT. My family can try and say its because I don't participate with the family but that only happened AFTER I got sick of the crap they dish out and put up with from each other that I cut myself off from them. It is kind of funny, I graduated college with a 4.0, I am on the "right" side of the law, have a good job. Have a great boyfriend, no kids and yet I am the one that is looked down on. Maybe it is because I don't put up with crap and have my own thoughts and feelings and wont let someone dictate my life and or beliefs to me. I do wish that I could have had one of those relationships that I hear people talk about all the time about how close they are to their Grandparents. Unfortunately I cant really say that about any of my grandparents. The one I was closest to was my Dad's Mom, but unfortunately she lived in Minnesota and so I didn't get to see her very often and she passed away from Cancer when I was in the 5th grade. My Dad's Dad passed away before my parents were married so I never met him. My Mom's Dad was a cool Grandpa but I wasn't as close to him as my sister was. I kind of feel cheated when it came to the Grandparent dept. Oh well what can you do now you cant turn back the hands of time. I can wish all I want but it wont change things. I do know that for me I am still having the hardest time dealing with the loss of my cousin. His absence for me was especially felt when we were all there with my Grandmother. I kept waiting for him to come walking through the door.
FUCK I hope my blog gets happier after this. To all the black sheep out there....Carpe Diem. Don't take any ones crap and keep being YOU!!! The only person who has to truly love you....is YOU! Fuck the rest!

To Breed or Not to Breed

     So.....most people know from a young age if they want to have kids or not. I have always been one of those people that have never had that urge to have a kid. I figured when I met the right guy I would know or not. Well it took me quite awhile to find the "right" guy. Prior to him I had found Mr. Rude, Mr.Crude, Mr. Cheap and Mr.Cheater but took me a bit to find Mr.Right. So when most women find Mr. Right in their 20s they have time to make the decision about kids if they are undecided. At 28 I asked my Dr. that if I hit 30 and was still single and wanted kids (I figured by 30 I would know) if she knew of Doctors who would do artificial insemination. She gave me the name of a Doctor and talked to me about it. A few years later I hit 30 and was single and enjoying life and had NO feelings of wanting a kid. I hit a few more birthdays after that and still no urge to have a kid and in all honesty the thought of a living thing inside of me freaks me out, that is a parasite people. I know I know all the women out there are saying its such a beautiful thing....yada yada yada. That is how YOU feel and the icky wanna vomit at the thought of it is how I feel. So now I am 36 in a great relationship and now I am doing the uh do I want to have kids because my biological clock isn't ticking its basically tapping me and saying, "Hey dumb ass if you want a kid its now or never."  The fact is there is a chance I cant have kids, long story lots of issues blah blah blah, but now that I have this fantastic man in my life and his 4 year old daughter do I really want one? I mean there is this BIG part of me that is like NO WAY IN HELL. I value my sleep, I can be very selfish and like to be able to spend money on ME, but every time I look into his little girls eyes I catch myself wondering if we had a kid what he/she would look like. Would they get his dark eyes or my green? Would they get the awesome skin color his little girl has? Would  they have dark brown hair like her or lighter hair like I did when I was younger? Would we have a boy or a girl? Am I just curious or am I really wanting to have a child with him? Will I regret it if we don't? What if I wait to long to make the decision and my body says to bad so sad, you wasted your baby making years.
      How do you ever make this decision when you have never had that, " I want to be a Mom" feeling? There are times I think we could handle it and then there are more times that I think the stress would kill me. Every time we have to go to a kids party, especially when held at a pizza place and all these kids are screaming and running around on their sugar crack highs..that I can feel my ovaries go into hiding, my uterus puts out the closed for business sign and I wrap my self so tightly in a blanket and wear 4 layers of close to bed that night that even if he wasn't still trying to recover from the nightmare of a child's party he wouldn't get any access. LOL Aren't I suppose to love the kids running around? My niece and his daughter get together and I swear science should do research on the unbelievable decibel that only little girls can hit with there screeching and laughing. It an unbelievable sound that most people enjoy...I want to put in a pair of ear plugs.
     I guess I am just worried that I am going to look back some day and wish I had done things differently in the kid department. How do you ever know?????????????????

To Bubba with Love.

Where to start? November 19th 2010 my cousin was murdered while driving his cab. His life cut short by a crack whore who did not even rob him. We may never know why she did it and I don't know if I would like her answer anyway. What I do know is that I never want to hear that heart wrenching sob/scream come from my Mom again when she received the news. Brian who somewhere along the way picked up the nickname Bubba was like a son to my Mom. He and I were only a year apart, of my cousins he and I were probably the closest. He lived with us for awhile and we fought for dominance with him being the youngest in his family and me being the oldest and suddenly he thinks he is my big brother. Well he was....he was the closest I will ever come to having a brother. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to see her, his murderer punished to the full extent. I don't think anyone can truly understand how deep the loss of a loved one by the hands of another can truly be felt until you actually feel it. I would not wish that on anyone. I work in Law Enforcement and I see the worst of the worst and read the reports and you feel so bad for the families but until you become one of those families you cant truly understand how much it truly hurts. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am not much of a crier. I cry when a loved one passes, I cry when an animal dies, I cry at my favorite movie and I cried the first time my heart was broken, but I was wracked with sobs that I couldn't stop when I walked into that church and saw that small urn that was once my 6'4 cousin. The sobs hit again the moment I saw the huge line of cabs that drove to the church to honor my cousin, again when they showed pictures of him growing up and the five oldest cousins together. Then my sobs turned to anger.
    I was going to apologize to anyone in the family who might read this but NO I will not apologize for my feelings and my beliefs. If you do not like what I am about to say then that's YOUR issue. My sobs turned to anger when his Mother stood up there and tried to play the part of the grieving mother. She was never there for him or his sisters, her world revolves around who she can get money from. Yes I am sure there was some genuine hurt at the loss but every time you turn around she is STILL trying to get money from people because of her son. She is a gold digging whore who stood up there and lied to everyone. There was anger for the unkind, heartless, and inappropriate words spoken by someone else. Who cares if you think he is in hell because he didn't do what YOU think was necessary. It was NOT the place or the time. You believe what you want but don't tell US what to believe.
   Through all the tears and the anger the one person who would have understood where I am coming from, who held me when our Grandfather passed away even when I didn't want to be held, the one besides my sister who always had my back is the one who I couldn't protect, whose back I wasn't able to have. The one my heart breaks for. I love you Bubba and I miss you every day. Your sisters miss you every second of every minute of every day. You will NEVER be forgotten.

comments?

OK so I don't know if anyone is actually reading my blog or not. If you are then please feel free to comment or ask questions. All I ever ask is that anyone who reads or wants to follow my blog keep an open mind. You don't have to agree with my thoughts, beliefs or ramblings that's the wonderful thing about the world we live in. Everyone is allowed to believe what THEY so choose. OH and keep in mind that my blogs thus far have been pretty tame but I put an adult only warning on it because I have a mouth like a trucker and as my blog says a twisted mind so you never know what will come out of either. :-)

All people are equal.

   So if your here you are probably interested in why I chose to get ordained to conduct weddings, baptisms and funerals since anyone who knows me knows I am not religious.
   First let me explain, I would have to say I am probably considered agnostic, but truly my feelings on religion boil down to this, if you want to believe the tree in your front yard is your god then as long as you aren't pushing your beliefs on me or anyone else and you are not hurting anyone then what do I care who you choose to worship, go for it. Plus I find organized religion to be political and hypocritical, but as I said to each their own.
   Now on to why I want to be able to Marry people, well I have a lot of gay friends and I truly believe that being "gay" is not a choice that we are all born the way we are. I was born hetero others are born homo. In this world it is hard enough to find love so why should it bother me who someone ELSE falls in love with. I don't feel that gays getting married is the breakdown of the family we can chalk the breakdown of the family to lots of other things. There are a lot of gay couples out there that make WAY better parents and spouses then so called straight couples and parents. I believe that everyone should be treated equal, if I can go and get married and be miserable they should have that privilege too. Ha ha So even though it isn't legal in Arizona yet...if any of my friends gay, straight or other wise wanted to have a wedding ceremony and wanted someone to marry them that truly wants them to have the best day possible and when they look at them they see two people in love not two straight or gay people..then I want to be considered because I want to believe in love in all forms.
  People may not agree with me and how I feel but that's why we live in the country we do so we can all believe what we want. I have a problem with any type of prejudice. I had a good friend in high school, Erin who said, "We are all like a bag of M&Ms we are all different on the outside but if you remove the outer shell we are all the same on the inside, some nuttier than others." Now if she got that from somewhere else then I apologize but I am giving credit to where I heard it. Erin passed away years ago and she is missed dearly but she is right. How can you hate another person because of their skin color, religion or sexual preference? WHY do we fight wars over religion? Why is one religion better than another? That's why I decided to do what I did. I want to represent all people and every persons right to be happy.